Well once again i have taken my will back and paid the ultimate price. i lost a dear friend behind it, i hope to continue turning my will and life over to the care of GOD. Also no matter how hard life is i need to learn from life's lessons and continue to work a program no matter how difficult it seems.
I think that i am now willing to do whatever it takes to do gods will and not my own will. the only thing i have managed to accomplish was to secure daily pain and suffering. I am emotionally and spiritually bankrupt, but i will work on this on a daily basis as i work my 3rd step on a daily basis.
Everyone has defects, i can only work on my own to become a better person. I have been procrastinating on my 4th step. i need to get this done, i need to see the part i have played in my resentments and identify my feelings.
I need to free myself from this mental bondage and i know working a good solid program will do this. i have to concentrate more on me.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Staying Grounded
Tonight i sort of lost my ko0l while talking to a friend, i have taken the time to look at what transpired and what part i played in it. Doing my 4th step is bringing up alot of emotions for me that i dont quiet understand. i gotta get with my sponsor on this, i am starting to share feeling or what i feel without regard for what others feel. they say talk about what you feel right? so thats what i am tying to do, i am trying to be honest about what i feel.
I know i need to continue to work my program, and becareful about the conversations i allow myself to come involved in. i have to stay grounded, for my own sanity. on a lighter note a friend of mines will be teaching me how to cook all types of exotic meals whenever we find the time. i am really looking forward to this. hopefully good times are ahead but i will be taking my time to see what other dish is on the menu rofl.
I know i need to continue to work my program, and becareful about the conversations i allow myself to come involved in. i have to stay grounded, for my own sanity. on a lighter note a friend of mines will be teaching me how to cook all types of exotic meals whenever we find the time. i am really looking forward to this. hopefully good times are ahead but i will be taking my time to see what other dish is on the menu rofl.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Step 3
Ok this is just a little something for me, i finished step 3 about 2:00am. I am now moving on to step 4, you know making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Time for me to see my part in all this crazy madness.Step 3 showed me how i was running on self-will and trying to control others and that i needed to turn my will and my life over to the care of GOD. I am so ready to do this, i just need to remind myself every mnute of everyday. GOD let me do thy will and not my will.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
HALT
Hungry Angry Lonely and Tired if you ask would this be me, oh Lord i'd have to agree.
I am trying so hard to get inner peace, guess i am waiting for something to release.
Guess i am waiting for some sort of infinite light, to awaken me from my own madness and end this fight.
Feeling lonely and rejected is what get me the most, filling that void seems like just a ghost.
I pray to GOD each day and night, to help me in my terrible fight. Is it the illusion of life and
how i think it should be, or is it reality?
I know that self pity in me plays a big part, it keeps that void unfilled in my heart.
There is so much work to be done, it feels like i am constantly under the gun.
Get out of your head young man, get off you ass and take a stand.
The life you see others living, you can have that life too, work on HALT and God will carry you through.
Step work is the key....no more illusions deal in reality, so God please guide me on my path to happiness and a new freedom. i know life dont have to be so grim.
I am trying so hard to get inner peace, guess i am waiting for something to release.
Guess i am waiting for some sort of infinite light, to awaken me from my own madness and end this fight.
Feeling lonely and rejected is what get me the most, filling that void seems like just a ghost.
I pray to GOD each day and night, to help me in my terrible fight. Is it the illusion of life and
how i think it should be, or is it reality?
I know that self pity in me plays a big part, it keeps that void unfilled in my heart.
There is so much work to be done, it feels like i am constantly under the gun.
Get out of your head young man, get off you ass and take a stand.
The life you see others living, you can have that life too, work on HALT and God will carry you through.
Step work is the key....no more illusions deal in reality, so God please guide me on my path to happiness and a new freedom. i know life dont have to be so grim.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
UnTitled
I am very close to nine months of being sober as i write this here.
I have many struggles and i am filled with fear. I am terrified of dying alone just want someone that makes be glad to be home.
But right now i have lots of work to do on me, maintaining my sobriety in my Recovery.
I have been told everything Cell go make friends, but at the end of the day i am alone again.
I want someone that's going to be true to me, and we can share our lives to the highest degree.
Someone that want what i want, sharing life together laughing and crying no matter what the weather. a partner, a soul mate you get the idea someone that i can always hold near. it is wonderful too love and be loved back, when i find it i want it to be right and exact.
right now i don't even think i know what love is, i do know it comes with many fears.
My Heart has been broken a couple of times if that was against the law i guess it would have been a couple of crimes. i guess somewhere in all of this there is a lesson to learn, and if i dont take heed to i will continue to get burned. i don't know i am still very sore, but the insanity of it all is i come back for more. Life and Love is so very deep. good night all i am about to cry myself to sleep.
I have many struggles and i am filled with fear. I am terrified of dying alone just want someone that makes be glad to be home.
But right now i have lots of work to do on me, maintaining my sobriety in my Recovery.
I have been told everything Cell go make friends, but at the end of the day i am alone again.
I want someone that's going to be true to me, and we can share our lives to the highest degree.
Someone that want what i want, sharing life together laughing and crying no matter what the weather. a partner, a soul mate you get the idea someone that i can always hold near. it is wonderful too love and be loved back, when i find it i want it to be right and exact.
right now i don't even think i know what love is, i do know it comes with many fears.
My Heart has been broken a couple of times if that was against the law i guess it would have been a couple of crimes. i guess somewhere in all of this there is a lesson to learn, and if i dont take heed to i will continue to get burned. i don't know i am still very sore, but the insanity of it all is i come back for more. Life and Love is so very deep. good night all i am about to cry myself to sleep.
The Black Night
As i lay in bed at night trying to sleep, inside my mind horrible things creep.
It's like my mind needs some sort of transfusion, is this Life or an illusion.
I try my hardest to get off this horrible flight, is this what happens in the Black night.
When we are alone with just our thought, the process don't get better no matter how hard we fought.
I realized the black night of my mind is anger and resentment and what i need is the joy of contentment.
I want to awaken from this horror of the black night, reach for GOD to help me fight.
I need to pray to my Higher Power for guidance and direction and have faith in him because he is my protection.
Sometimes life seems like a double edged sword (The Black Night)But have faith in GOD and you will recieve you reward.
Admit when you are wrong and you will be rewarded when you are right, Give yourself to God and that's the end of the black night.
It's like my mind needs some sort of transfusion, is this Life or an illusion.
I try my hardest to get off this horrible flight, is this what happens in the Black night.
When we are alone with just our thought, the process don't get better no matter how hard we fought.
I realized the black night of my mind is anger and resentment and what i need is the joy of contentment.
I want to awaken from this horror of the black night, reach for GOD to help me fight.
I need to pray to my Higher Power for guidance and direction and have faith in him because he is my protection.
Sometimes life seems like a double edged sword (The Black Night)But have faith in GOD and you will recieve you reward.
Admit when you are wrong and you will be rewarded when you are right, Give yourself to God and that's the end of the black night.
Welcome To The Terror dome
The Mind of an Alkie/Addict is just like being in a Terror dome.
Feeling Alone, trying to find your way back home.
Thoughts are so distant, that you cry out for relief.
But the Terror dome is the addiction of the beast.
I pray to God everyday for some help, they say let GOD be the driver
just strap on your seat belt.
The terror dome is the many places where i have been, mentally and physically
that could wind up killing me.
Higher power please take me out of this neighborhood, for it is not safe for me.
I just want all my friends to pray for me.
The Lord is my Shepard..I shall not Drink...My Mind is my own Terror dome please don't let me over think.
Steps 1,2 and 3 is the beginning of a new life and a new path to relieve me of my Terror dome
and that dangerous wrath.
Then step 4 the work must begin, they say you only get out what you put in.
I just pray that i am never alone and for GOD to remove me from my own personal Terror dome.
Feeling Alone, trying to find your way back home.
Thoughts are so distant, that you cry out for relief.
But the Terror dome is the addiction of the beast.
I pray to God everyday for some help, they say let GOD be the driver
just strap on your seat belt.
The terror dome is the many places where i have been, mentally and physically
that could wind up killing me.
Higher power please take me out of this neighborhood, for it is not safe for me.
I just want all my friends to pray for me.
The Lord is my Shepard..I shall not Drink...My Mind is my own Terror dome please don't let me over think.
Steps 1,2 and 3 is the beginning of a new life and a new path to relieve me of my Terror dome
and that dangerous wrath.
Then step 4 the work must begin, they say you only get out what you put in.
I just pray that i am never alone and for GOD to remove me from my own personal Terror dome.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)