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I am very close to nine months of being sober as i write this here.
I have many struggles and i am filled with fear. I am terrified of dying alone just want someone that makes be glad to be home.
But right now i have lots of work to do on me, maintaining my sobriety in my Recovery.

I have been told everything Cell go make friends, but at the end of the day i am alone again.
I want someone that's going to be true to me, and we can share our lives to the highest degree.
Someone that want what i want, sharing life together laughing and crying no matter what the weather. a partner, a soul mate you get the idea someone that i can always hold near. it is wonderful too love and be loved back, when i find it i want it to be right and exact.
right now i don't even think i know what love is, i do know it comes with many fears.

My Heart has been broken a couple of times if that was against the law i guess it would have been a couple of crimes. i guess somewhere in all of this there is a lesson to learn, and if i dont take heed to i will continue to get burned. i don't know i am still very sore, but the insanity of it all is i come back for more. Life and Love is so very deep. good night all i am about to cry myself to sleep.

The Black Night

As i lay in bed at night trying to sleep, inside my mind horrible things creep.
It's like my mind needs some sort of transfusion, is this Life or an illusion.
I try my hardest to get off this horrible flight, is this what happens in the Black night.
When we are alone with just our thought, the process don't get better no matter how hard we fought.

I realized the black night of my mind is anger and resentment and what i need is the joy of contentment.
I want to awaken from this horror of the black night, reach for GOD to help me fight.
I need to pray to my Higher Power for guidance and direction and have faith in him because he is my protection.

Sometimes life seems like a double edged sword (The Black Night)But have faith in GOD and you will recieve you reward.
Admit when you are wrong and you will be rewarded when you are right, Give yourself to God and that's the end of the black night.

Welcome To The Terror dome

The Mind of an Alkie/Addict is just like being in a Terror dome.
Feeling Alone, trying to find your way back home.
Thoughts are so distant, that you cry out for relief.
But the Terror dome is the addiction of the beast.

I pray to God everyday for some help, they say let GOD be the driver
just strap on your seat belt.
The terror dome is the many places where i have been, mentally and physically
that could wind up killing me.
Higher power please take me out of this neighborhood, for it is not safe for me.
I just want all my friends to pray for me.
The Lord is my Shepard..I shall not Drink...My Mind is my own Terror dome please don't let me over think.

Steps 1,2 and 3 is the beginning of a new life and a new path to relieve me of my Terror dome
and that dangerous wrath.

Then step 4 the work must begin, they say you only get out what you put in.
I just pray that i am never alone and for GOD to remove me from my own personal Terror dome.

Decisions Decisions Decisions

When I Die I would just like both my hands put into position to say FUCK THE WORLD.

A Good Day

Sunday was a good day for me, i talked to my best friend all day long and it felt really good to have her attention that long. i also went to a meeting and heard some ESH that i could apply to me, Susan and i talked about my move out to California and the many possibilities. I am looking forward to 2 things no wait 3 things. 1- is obtaining a job 2- is making meetings and 3- is spending time with Susan.

It will be nice just to sit around looking in her face as i talk to her as oppose to talking on the phone or in messenger. Because the eyes are the windows to the soul and i want her to be able to look inside my soul as i look inside hers and see that this friendship is beyond special.

I want us to be able to go places and enjoy things like the zoo as friends and just enjoy each others company, i probably would hold her hand as we walk through the zoo. but not as a boyfriend but as a friend. just to let her know that i will always be there for her, just the thought of us being near each other gives me a rush. I will protect her by any means necessary, i know i am starting to sound mushy but she is my friend and I Love her very much. :)

Pain for a Friend

It is 5:00am est and here i am writing in my blog, i cannot sleep because my heart is hurting. It is filled with pain for a friend. My friend has been hurt by some asshole that should never have been with her in the first place. you see i understand hurt and pain, i just wish i was there to console her in these tragic times.

I am trying to make my friend see that she is a beautiful woman and deserves much better. you see love is something special and should not be measured by what a man is packing or how good a woman is in bed. I love this woman and has never even met her, but my love is measured by the warm and kind person i know that she is. i know that she is the type of person that would give her all. My heart truly goes out to her, she is like a beautiful rose that has been wilted by the cold winter weather. Only time will heal her wounds and restore her faith in an everlasting love, but she needs to becareful of the flowers she picks because some are filled with thorns.

Something to Ponder

I talked to my sponsor today and told him i will be moving to California, he asked me have i thought this through. my answer was yes i did, but as you can tell from my prior blogs the feeling that i have for my future house mate. She asked me today would i be able to handle it if she became involved with someone.

I honestly have no idea how i would feel, wait yes i do. i would feel rejected, not that i am going there with expectations. but it would seem like she is willing to give everyone a chance except me.
Because there would be no more you are 3000 miles away stuff, but i would sorta understand because in my current situation i have nothing to offer her except true love. but i am trying to keep it into today and not project. who knows my HP might decide its time for me to be a rich man, ya neva know. and i will depend on him to help me get through any situation tha could not be healthy for me.

I went to a meeting tonight and it was a birthday meeting, i heard some really good ESH there i have been isolating the last couple of days. not really doing anything but staying in my head. so it was good to get back to the fellowship, it made me feel good when one of the coffee guys handed me a cup of hot water for my tea without me asking. I was hoping to hear from my friend tonight but i doubt if i hear from her. I really need to take alook at why i want to talk to her every single day this cannot be healthy. GOD grant me the serenity to except the things i cannot, the Courage to change the things that i can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

A New Life

Well today i started my online job search in beautiful California, oh my God. I did not see any jobs in my field and so far the ones that i did see are paying like 8:00 dollars and hour. I am trying to stay positive and continue to leave it in the hands of God.

I am really excited about moving to California to Live, it is unfortunate that i am moving there under these circumstances. i wish i could have been going under previous circumstances, but i guess God has me going there under current circumstances for a reason. Now there is a very important piece that i want to mention, last month i told my best friend that i had fallen in love with her. oh my god i did alot of crying, what i need to ask myself is this can i handle living with her knowing how i feel about her?

Well i know i need to stay focused on finding employment and going to school, the rest will take care of itself. It is probably going to get worse before it gets better, but i dont want to be a burden on Susan i just feel so fucking helpless. I am wondering if i can get some type of medical assistance in California because i am going to need some.

I have many fears but i am hoping to overcome them, my biggest fear is failing. I do not want to fail, i have to give it 110% at all times. I am going to go back on craigslist and monster.com to continue to look for employment. They say when one door closes another one opens, lets hope this is true.

Barack for Change

Well i finally talked to my best friend about what i have been going through. You know about losing a job i have worked at for nearly 10 years. It was a relief to get that off my chest, i hate to hide anything from her.
Susan is a very special person and means the world to me, she offered to let me come and live with her until i get on my feet (paying rent of course). she is absolutely incredible,. she is an amazing woman. so i accepted her invitation and hope to be living in sunny California by April. This is gonna be new too me a big change. But as our President says It's Time for Change, i brought up the fact that i was originally suppose to go and visit her in April now looks like i will be living there.

I must not waste anytime when getting there to search for employment actually i will be sending resumes as soon as i get it updated. This is so exciting for me i can hardly keep still i think my biggest problem and i gotta be honest is keeping my emotions under control. I wonder if GOD is sending me to California for a reason? I guess i wont know until i get there, ahhhh sunny California means that i have to work out every day (lol). I need to do this anyway for health reasons. I asked Susan today if she would go on fast walks with me, she said no but would go on slow walks. i dont know how good that would be, because i might be tempted to hold her hand as i walk (lol). But it will be good to get out of New York if miracles never cease.

Worried and Scared

Well here it is, something that i was with holding because i am a big nervous wreck. The company in which i am working for gave notice that they are down sizing and i will no longer be needed. i have known this for sometime and was afraid to talk about it. i have been here for nearly 10 years.

What the hell am i going to do, i am so scared and so afraid. The dreams that i have are nightmares, i am 48 years old and with the economy the way it is today where am i going to find work. i feel lke i have lost everything, and its not like we get a settlement package. We get nothing in return for the dedication in which we showed for years. My future at this point is very gloom and i have no idea when the next time i will talk to my best friend. i wont have anything, no internet, no phone, no anything.

They say that God do not give us more then we can handle, well i cant handle this, its tearing me apart. i am hoping that i do not have to become a derelict living on the street, i would end it all before i let that happen. Lately i have been having horrible dreams about such...suicidal thoughts running through my mind.

Mentally i am not in a good place, and going to meetings do not seem to help me at all. I am sorry that i was not able too talk to my best friend about this, i will tell her to read my blog.
somethings i cannot verbalize, but i can write it down. i dont know how many more of these i will be writing. I am just praying to GOD that he helps me through.

Friendship

Friendship is a very important thing too have in your life. i have very few friends. The problem i am having now and i am really working on it is separating friendship and Love. I have loved my friend Susan for quiet a while. Now you have to understand, i did not just wake up and discover i loved her. This all happened over time, we have spent countless hours on the phone talking. We have shared many things together, she knows more about me then most.

She understands me and i guess thats where my love for her began. But the distance between us makes it difficult for us to have a relationship other then friendship. Now she is going through some things in her relationship. i am trying to help her with but sometimes its hard or me to be objective because of my love for her. but i am working on this because her happiness is what matters here and not what i feel.

If i try and impose my will on her i will lose her friendship, then i will die. i am trying to give her good honest advice. last night we talked and i kept up front that i cant impose my will or tell her what to think or do and you know what after our talk i felt like i finally did something right.

I just want whats right for her and what she deserves, because she deserves better then what she is getting and i just don't want her to settle. I will continue to try and be the best friend i can to her, because no one knows what the future holds.

Times are changing

Well here it is its after 11:00am est i finally pulled myself out of bed, i grabbed my phone to see if i had a good morning text or missed a phone call. nothing no text nor phone call, i guess thats what is meant by expectations, when you have been doing the same thing for so long you get kind of use too it.

i can see that the friendship that i have is taking a very hard hit, its not that either one of us did anything on purpose to hinder our friendship it just happened. and now it is forever changed, our friendship will never be the same. its funny how life is one minute you are secure in a loving and caring friendship and the next minute you barely have 2 words to say to one another.

The tension at times is so strong that you can cut it with a knife, i am not blaming either one of us for this. This is just something that just happened, we both said that we will always be there for one another but i know deep in my heart that this is not true. The reason being is that times are changing there are other obligations in our lives that steps in the way. I so wish that things were the way they used to be, but times are changing and nothing remains the same.

Another Sleepless Night.

Tossing and turning, another sleepless night for the weary. what i am currently going through is eating me alive. I pray to my higher power for relief, as i write this post tears are strolling down my eyes in which i cannot control. I am so empty inside, but i need to keep my faith in god for only he can remove me from all the misery that i am feeling at this moment. i feel as though i am aging very quickly and may not be around to much longer.....i need sleep i wish i could get some, but my thoughts omg my thoughts are but that of a horrible nightmare..some of my thoughts just want god to take me...i cant do this.

A Blast from the past

The other day out of no where i get a phone call, guess who it was, it was an ex girl friend. i would have never thought in a million years that i would have heard from her. i have not heard from her in about 6 or 7 years. we chatted caught up on old times, talked about old friends and shared laughs about how i had her going all over Mississippi doing things for me.

She is a really good woman, i think she still have feelings for me and i think my feelings for her is coming back some what. but i have to ask myself, is this good for me. she expressed to me that her marriage is not too good and i just listened. i want to support her in anyway possible, because she really is a very good woman shes kind, caring you know all the good things you look for in a woman.

But because of my loneliness i need to be careful, right now at this point in my life i have alot going on that i need not drag others into...but once things get better with my situation who knows because she was my first real love. I have to be honest here since i got that phone call Debbie has been renting a little space in my head.. i mean why wouldn't she, she is friggin gorgeous at least i think so. but we are just getting to know each other again and i wont rush anything at least we are talking again and thats a good thing right? But some people can never be replaced (They know who they are) More will be revealed in future posts.

Good Morning Blog

Well i awaken this morning and i talked to my best friend Susan, she revealed to my that she was back with her boyfriend. now i really dont know how to take this, i want her to be happy but i also want her to be careful. she rationalize alot of stuff to fit what she wants to hear, she also uses alot of AA terminology to fit her needs as well. now i dont know if what i am feeling is jealousy or what, i can see that our friendship is going to be very limited from this point on. not that i ant it to be, but it is natural when people are in a relationship. you know the old saying 2 is company and 3 is a crowd.

I wonder why she told me that he stayed over at her house last night, i am thinking that she knew that i would read her blog. i hve finally gotten to the point that i am no longer affected by what she does. before i let that affect me i would end the friendship someimes we have to let go and let god.

Dawn of a new Day

well the day is winding down, who knows what tomorrow will bring. I pray to my higher power to let a new day be better then the present. i know the things that i need to do, but i need help with them. my pain runs deep and it is not the forsaken pain of love, it is a pain of survival. i am finding it very hard to keep my mind into just today. i am powerless over what may be in my future and that scares the hell out of me. at the moment i cannot even focus on having someone in my life as a partner. i would be bringing them into a living hell and that would not be fair to them, there is alot of work to be done here and i am questioning whether or not i can do it. I pray to god that he walks along side me in this journey. I guess it is true, what don't kill us will make us stronger.

Damn Rain sucks

This is my first Blog ever, i dont really know what to say. i have been going through some difficult times lately. i have spoken to my sponsor about what i have been gong through and it seems to help some what. i really wish i could talk to my best friend about it but i cant, she might think it has something to do with her, but it does not. it has nothing to do with her life at all (for once). i am soley depending on my higher power. i know that i need to drop down on my knees on a daily basis and pray to him, not only when i am in a time of need. but also to thank him and praise him, i was trying my hand in the dating pool. i went out to dinner with her last night and i really like her and she seems to like me as well. but we will see what happens, right now i have a lot on my plate.