Worried and Scared

Well here it is, something that i was with holding because i am a big nervous wreck. The company in which i am working for gave notice that they are down sizing and i will no longer be needed. i have known this for sometime and was afraid to talk about it. i have been here for nearly 10 years.

What the hell am i going to do, i am so scared and so afraid. The dreams that i have are nightmares, i am 48 years old and with the economy the way it is today where am i going to find work. i feel lke i have lost everything, and its not like we get a settlement package. We get nothing in return for the dedication in which we showed for years. My future at this point is very gloom and i have no idea when the next time i will talk to my best friend. i wont have anything, no internet, no phone, no anything.

They say that God do not give us more then we can handle, well i cant handle this, its tearing me apart. i am hoping that i do not have to become a derelict living on the street, i would end it all before i let that happen. Lately i have been having horrible dreams about such...suicidal thoughts running through my mind.

Mentally i am not in a good place, and going to meetings do not seem to help me at all. I am sorry that i was not able too talk to my best friend about this, i will tell her to read my blog.
somethings i cannot verbalize, but i can write it down. i dont know how many more of these i will be writing. I am just praying to GOD that he helps me through.